Clank

Driving ranges should not be near roads. No, not because I'm worried about getting hit by someone's awful drive. It would have to be pretty awful considering no driving range that I've ever seen has the golfers hitting balls toward a road. Here's why ranges should not be near roads - because when I drive by one, I feel that I have NO CHOICE but to drive along and pick out one golfer and watch until he/she hits the ball. And if that requires me to take my eyes off the road for 21 straight seconds, then so be it.

Is this picture related to this post? Nope. I just enjoy tacos.

This can easily happen when the golfer you choose to watch is never happy with his/her stance and has to adjust feet position 13 times before hitting the ball. So by the time the golfer is ready to start the swing, you have another two or three seconds to wait for the person to strike the ball and watch enough of its trajectory to decide if it was a good or bad shot. By this time, you've made yourself comfortable with your right arm around the passenger head rest, allowing you to get more neck turn to watch the golfer who you've passed minutes ago now, and now a traffic light dangerously approaches but you have no idea. So you watch and watch, and the shot is almost always terrible - maybe even clanking off the divider that separates one range stall from the next. If you're lucky, as I have been so far in my driving-while-watching-golfers-at-the-driving-range experience, you make it through without a scratch, no six-car pile-up, no pedestrian deaths, but maybe a minor swerve into the opposing lane. I'll take it. Maybe one of these times I'll see a good shot.

My latest fortune

"You will be happy to receive good news."

When are you unhappy to receive good news? Stupid fortune, King Wong. Try again.

Time for a list

Things I like better than raking leaves:

Eating rotten apples

Vomiting

Being stabbed in the foot

Watching Lifetime

Getting shampoo in my eyes

Fasting for 12 hours

Having Kevin McCallister drop a brick on my head from three stories up

Going to a WNBA game

Playing Monopoly while listening to Fall Out Boy

Falling down a 48-yard staircase with multiple turns

Being attacked by wasps

Being electrocuted

Making out with Buzz's girlfriend

WOOF

Having my Dumb & Dumber DVD stolen

Not being able to go to a concert for six months

Skunked beer

Living with Arthur Spooner

Spiders

Living in a Wawa-less state

STDs

"The Price Is Right" with Drew Carey as host

Being trampled by an Asian elephant

Come on down!

I had a brilliant idea for a game show. Hear me out. You have two contestants walk into a Home Depot. In the front of the store, the game show host has a basket, or a bucket, or a hat, or a shoe, or a container, with pieces of paper with numbers on them. The numbers correlate to the aisle numbers in the store. Contestant #1 picks a number out of the basket, bucket, hat, shoe, container, or whatever has the numbers. Then contestant #2 picks a number. And the fun begins. After each contestant has his/her number, the host sounds off a horn. The two contestants rush to their respective aisles and are allowed to use any items in the aisle to fight the other contestant. As soon as they grab whatever weapons they prefer, they have to find each other. And FIGHT. Ceiling fan blade vs. 1/4" screw? Sledgehammer vs. broom? Compressor tank vs. Christmas tree? Kitchen sink vs. wooden burgundy blinds? The possibilities are endless. What does the winner get? A trophy. Made out of the losing contestants' items and bloodshed.

Would this show be a huge hit? Of course it would. It's not up for discussion.

Konichiwa, bitches

Picked up my mom and g-ma from the airport last night as they returned from their trip to China. Made this sweet banner for them to return home to. Of course, they figured it said "Welcome Home." Amateurs. Like I'd really waste my time making a banner that boring. This banner translates to "Socks are the fourth most under-appreciated item in the world." This is a fact according to me. And yes, it really does translate to that. My mom thinks I'm the most ridiculous person in the world. I won't argue with her on that one.

Enjoy your gift from...

8th and Asbury, Ocean City, NJ

Seriously...

Explain to me what diabetic socks means.

Thank you for calling...

Would this not be the worst place of all time to be a receptionist?

Gear-grinder

When you slide across your kitchen floor while wearing socks, as I typically do a few times a day while looking cool as hell doing it, but today I hit a sticky spot with my lead foot (read as lead as in leader, not lead foot as in Mr. Sneaky from Mr. Deeds) and that was enough to stop my slide, ending it at about a quarter of the distance I would normally get. Real disappointing. You win some, you lose some.

In case you didn't believe me...

...when I posted back on August 31st. Forgot to update you on this one. Here's the proof. His name is Rocco.

Random thoughts

By me

If you live with a doctor, I guess the phrase "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn't apply to you.

Random thoughts

by Brian Franklin Kohut

A. I'm a cereal murderer. My cheerios never saw it coming this morning. Gently resting in the bowl, and then BAM - a tidal wave of milk washes over their universe. At least a quart of milk went into that bowl and drowned those fuckers. Look out, Chex. You're next.

2. Side rant: Why the hell isn't there banana-flavored milk? I really have to purée a fuckin banana every time I wanna eat some cereal? You figure some dirty hippy should've invented this in the 60s.